The Secret Diary of a Bonafide Marketing Genius

It’s me: The Genius!

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays after school I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a blender and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

**

Ok, fine, that’s all B.S.

Actually it’s a brilliant piece of writing by Hugh Gallagher (thank you, Wikipedia) for a Scholastic Press essay contest (which naturally, he won).

If you’ve gotten this far on the page, I have to assume you REALLY want to know about me. So fine, I’ll tell you:

I’m a BONAFIDE marketing genius. Yes, indeed… in fact, I don’t know how to say this, but… I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. My apartment smells of rich mahogany… and I have many leather-bound books.

Shit, there I go again, plagiarizing.

For real this time:

My name is Marta Kagan. I’m not really a genius (you may have guessed that by now), but I sometimes play one on the Web. I love interactive marketing (sick as that sounds) and the whole strategy/psychology piece behind the discipline of marketing. Also, I have strong opinions.

Prior to becoming a Bonafide Marketing Genius, I ‘d held quite a few job titles, including (in no particular order) Marketing Manager, President/CEO, Project Manager, Cheerleader, Yoga Instructor, Physical Therapist, Sales Representative, Waitress, Babysitter, Customer Service Agent, Office Manager, Administrative Assistant, Retail Slave, Life Coach, Career Coach, Web Marketing Consultant, Speaker, Author, Mother, Divorcee, Wife, Gymnast, Scooter-Rider, Mac-Lover, Dog-Owner, Whack-Job, Multitasker Extraordinaire, Most-Likely-to-Become-a-Panda, and Entrepreneur… all of which, I believe, qualify me to rant and rave about pretty much anything I choose.

Somehow, the winds of fate (?) keep nudging me back toward a freakish talent for communicating [and pressing buttons], hence I continue to “bring home the bacon” via various marketing-ish gigs. My “very official bio” says stuff about my recent stint as VP of Marketing at Viximo and my current role of Chief Rabble Rouser [and more formally, Managing Director, US] at Espresso, the Brand Infiltration agency. I also like to talk a lot, and I make real purty presentation decks. *Le sigh*

I shall go now before someone starts chasing me with a butterfly net… Wait—what?!

If you feel the need to continue stalking me online, you may do so at http://martazkagan.com or http://twitter.com/mzkagan or http://www.linkedin.com/in/martakagan. Or just send me a note (I dont usually bite, I promise!): mzkagan99 [at] gmail [dot] com

Thanks for stopping by!